Large furnished studio apartment available to rent*

Available immediately is this fantastically spacious studio apartment. 

If location is your thing then this place has it all! Situated in the heart of the bohemian suburb of Parnell means that there are bars, restaurants, boutique shops and beautiful parks right on your door step. And, being at the city side of the suburb, it is a gentle twenty minute stroll into the CBD giving quick and easy access to the ferry terminal and train station.

Convenience doesn’t stop there. This is a studio style accommodation, everything is within easy reach. It is a very practical shape, a rectangle, so it makes arranging the layout a breeze. 

Speaking of breeze, there is a large widescreen entrance with electrical control that gives convenient access to the street. There is also a side entrance that opens out onto a garden patio, complete with jacuzzi. Storage is also provided with plenty of shelving for storing those ornaments and nic-nacs that give any home a personal touch. 

A plumbed in washing machine is included in the rent as well as ready-to-use furnishings such as bed, dining table, two free standing wardrobes, fridge freezer and sofa. The concrete floor and bare walls give this space a real urban loft feel that wouldn’t be out of place in downtown New York. We do suggest, however, that whoever is lucky enough to call this place home, buys a nice pair of slippers to keep out the chill on cool evenings.

Off street parking is also available, a must in a busy suburb such as this, but does need to be arranged carefully so as not to inhibit access to the property or spoil the views.

Tempted? You should be. But they say seeing is believing so early viewing of this apartment is a must......

*okay, we'll come clean. This isn't actually a studio apartment - it's our garage. And whilst I'm feeling in a sharing mood, not all of the furniture is ours, we just happen to be storing it for a friend. Well except the wardrobe and fridge freezer - they're ours. Oh, and the car.

Back to the Scene of the Crime

Like most criminals, the temptation to return to the scenes of a heinous deed was just too tempting. Not that it was a conscious decision mind you. What on earth am I taking about? Nonsense as usual but let me explain.  

When we were looking, a few months ago now, for somewhere to go for the Labour Day weekend (or Bank Holiday weekend if you prefer) we had a few criteria against which any potential destination would be measured.

Firstly, it had to be reasonably reachable for a weekend. Quite obvious, but it did rule out a trip to Cape Reinga in the north or East Cape to the errrr….. well East. This destination, whilst a large chunk of the distance could be covered by air, was just too far flung to reasonably get there and back in a weekend. We could, just about, have got to Sydney but we’d recently been there and the thought of international travel for a quick getaway didn’t appeal. And there is also the next criteria….

…it had to be relaxing. A weekend in the busy city of Sydney would certainly not be relaxing and we’d return to work more tired than we were when we left, especially when factoring the two hour time difference. Nope, Sydney was out. So somewhere relaxing would have to be in New Zealand and fit the final criteria….

With a marathon fast approaching, or at least it would be by the time this particular weekend rolled around, wherever we ended up had to have somewhere where a reasonable length run could be accommodated. With four weeks to go, this would need to be around 30km. And preferably off-road to mimic the marathon route that I would be running.

There really was only one place that we knew fit the three criteria. Abel Tasman National Park is an hour flight then short drive from Auckland, is definitely a relaxing place and has a walking track that is 60km long. The added bonus is that there are water taxis that shuttle people up and down the coast to different points on the track. Marahau is the closest settlement to the park, being only 1km outside the entrance, so having decided upon the location, the accommodation was simple. It had to be Ocean View Chalets. We’d been before, knew they were ideally situated and very comfortable.

As we drove up the gravel track to the chalets, nestled in the bush on the side of a hill overlooking the sea, we got a pang of familiarity. This doubled when we were shown to our accommodation for the next few days. It was exactly the same chalet we’d stayed in on our holiday to New Zealand for Christmas 2014. We dispensed with the tour of the property and quickly settled down for the afternoon.

But why the scene of the crime? Well it was here, back in December 2014, when we…well ok I…. first mooted the possibility of us coming to New Zealand to live. I remember it distinctly - we were walking back from a trip into the National Park and heading up the gravel driveway when I first suggested the possibility. Then, after a glass of wine or two, I did a little bit of research into the ins and outs and discovered that our profession was on the long term skills shortage list. Engineering was in short supply so it wouldn’t be a problem. And there it was left whilst we enjoyed the rest of our holiday.

Maybe it was the lovely warm summer sun or the sheer heart stopping beauty of this place, but having had those initial thoughts I didn’t think that we would, just seven short months later, be packing the contents of our house into a container and shipping it off half way around the world. I certainly didn’t think that I would be sat in the same chair, coffee in hand, looking out to sea and writing a blog about life in New Zealand. What an adventure!

Well that’s enough reminiscing for one morning. The marathon won’t run itself, mores the pity, so I’ve got a 30k run to do. Now where was that number for the water taxi….

 

A Fantastic Day!

I've always resented having to work on my birthday. I did, for a while at least, try and avoid working at all by taking the day off (hey! I heard that!) but after a while I came to realise that taking a day off in October was not great timing, weather wise at least, and I was better off saving it for more favourable conditions.

That changed when we moved to New Zealand - my Autumnal birthday magically swapping for a Springtime celebration. In some ways, that made it worse. This year it looked like the sun shining bit was going to be a stretch - we've had a really wet start to Spring this year - but there's not a cloud in the sky.

So far, by luck of the calendar, my birthdays have fallen on a weekend but that was only going to last short while.  My first birthday in NZ was a Saturday, and we spent the day on Waiheke Island sampling the local wines from several vineyards whilst soaking up the early sunshine. Last year it was a Sunday and we spent the day sipping a beer or two on the quayside whilst trying to avoid getting too sunburnt. A trend was definitely emerging.

But now I am faced with the prospect of working on my birthday AND the sun is shining......

....well maybe working is a bit misleading. Yes, I am getting paid and technically I am in work, but I am about to jump on my bike and cycle around some of Auckland's newly built cycle paths. I suppose getting paid to cycle in the sunshine not only makes me very fortunate but it's also the closest I will come to being a professional cyclist. But without the hassle of having to shave my legs.

When it was suggested to me, without solicitation I must add, I was initially apprehensive. Could I really afford the time when I knew I had numerous reports to complete? Wouldn't it be better is a more junior team member went in my place? And then there was the problem of which bike to take. The client team would be on their e-bikes. Should I take my slow but sturdy mountain bike or my quick but less robust road bike? And then there was the issue of what to wear. A dress shirt and trousers would be appropriate for a client meeting but not great for spending a morning in the saddle. Problems, problems. It would better if I just politely declined. What on earth was I thinking?

It does give me a bit of a dilemma though. How on earth can I top this? Hhmmm, next year my birthday will be on a Wednesday.... Maybe I can convince my employer that what he really needs is for someone to check out the running routes through the city? Maybe a good beach inspection is needed? Or perhaps we really need someone to make an assessment of the transport links to the local bars? Actually, don't they have a lot of cycle paths in Belgium? I hear Bruges is lovely at this time of year.....




Sitting Ducks

A colleague of mine once compared living in Auckland to being on an air craft carrier. Not, I hasten to add, because we are all armed and ready to kick-off at anyone who looks at us sideways, but because we are in the middle of the ocean and surrounded by nothing much but water.

And not just any water either. The South Pacific is a steaming, fizzing cauldron of currents which give rise to torrential rain, wind and occasionally very impressive, but equally frightening, tropical cyclones. 

And all New Zealand, can do is sit and watch and wonder if the swirling mass of low pressure is coming our way. I'd imagine that it's a bit like witnessing Godzilla arrive at the city boundary and watch, helplessly, as it begins its slow but certain stomp towards you. Not that I have ever witnessed a Godzilla of course. 

On the plus side, it makes weather forecasting, in the short to medium term at least, a breeze. Pardon the pun. Want to know what the weather will be doing today? No problem, just look at the rainfall radar and see what's coming. Pretty much whatever is predicted to come this way will inevitably turn up. A bit like a drunk mate who turns up at every party - no one invited him but everyone knew he was coming. Sooner or later. Auckland does have the Waitakere Ranges to shield it from the worst of the rain, but when it comes in such volume it makes little difference. They are hardly the Pennines. 

The flip side of this, of course, is that once settled weather turns up there is very little to disrupt that pattern. The result is, thankfully, long periods of unbroken sunshine and warm weather. But at the moment....well the South Pacific is very angry. Mostly at Australia which is having a torrid time, but it has been continuously damp here in Auckland for some time. How damp? Well last night Auckland had 85mm of rainfall. Pretty soggy I can tell you.

At least it's warm. With temperatures hanging around 15 degrees it makes walking in the rain almost a pleasure. Yes, you will still get wet but not cold, and it saves on having to get a shower in the morning. It's exactly this sort of weather that has resulted in us having to have our house washed. Yup, you read that correctly. The warm and humid weather is great for moss and over the past two years our white house has slowly turned green. It didn't look great but it did add an extra layer of insulation. Not quite the green Eco house that we had in mind though.

There is never a dull moment when you are afloat in the southern seas. And it looks like the superstorm that has been ravaging Australia is going to pay us a visit. Great. With another wet week forecast I'm seriously considering swapping my shirt and trousers for a wet suit, flippers and snorkelling mask for my walk to work.

With all this water around, it would be quite easy to start to feel a little vulnerable - if I stopped to think about it that is. But at the end of the day, well, it's only weather isn't it and it will pass. No, it's the tsunamis that you should worry about......

Election Fever

Forget the trivialities of the US election, it's election time here in Auckland and election Fever is gripping this one-time capital of New Zealand. And being keen on the democratic process we can't wait to get involved.....

Or at least we would if we were allowed to vote. You see the powers-that-be exclude us immigrants from the democratic process. And who can blame them? Who would want dirty and ill-informed outsiders from voting in a New Zealand election? Especially when they don't, after all, contribute anything to the economy. What do they know about life in New Zealand. No, it's much better to leave important decisions to those that know best. Yes, I may have an opinion and the outcome of the election may effect me but I can just keep it to myself thank you very much. It's probably as well - the last thing this government needs is any help from a lefty-outsider. And they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Anyway, with no means to influence the outcome it is quite fascinating to see how another city manages the democratic process.

I must say that it's a little confusing. Firstly, there is the sheer number of different parties. National, First, Labour, Upside Down Party. Actually I made that last one up, but with so many parties, all with different values, aims and aspirations it is hard to know who I would pick, if I could vote that is. At the last count there were a total of 19 candidates. Yes, 19! You should see the ballot paper.

When travelling around the city, it doesn't take long to bump into the election posters. They're everywhere. Every spare bit of land is filled with huge wooden structures with posters of beaming individuals promising the earth. Why have just one election poster when you can have nineteen? If one party has a poster then the rest will soon follow. Maybe it's an election rule. I could look it up I suppose but as I'm not allowed to vote, what's the point.

If it is a rule then it is actually quite a good idea - seeing them all together, in a political line-up, saves me the bother of having to read any of their election pamphlets and I can make a snap judgement based upon whether they look like sane individuals or someone you wouldn't trust to look after themselves, let alone the budget of an metropolitan city.

"A vote for me is a vote for common sense," screams one election poster. And what a tempting prospect that would be. I'm all for a bit of common sense as long as it is used in sensible situations. It wouldn't do to waste a good dollop of common sense in an impractical situation.

"Vote for me and I'll build a train line to the airport," boasts another. Well I must say that he doesn't look like he has it in him. Quite a claim for a man in his fifties. Mind you, he doesn't say how long it is going to take him and whether he'll have any mates to help him. I can just imagine the conversation, post election win, in the pub when he breaks the news...

"Well done Bob on that election win"

"Thanks Terry, it was a close call but that promise to build the rail line to the airport swung it"

"I know, I can't believe that people fell for that," Terry added.

"Err, what are you doing on Saturday?"

"Not much, why?"

"Well I'm going to borrow a couple of shovels so I thought we'd make a start"

"Start what Bob?"

"Errr....can I get you a pint...."

The run-in to this election has been quite entertaining. One of the candidates is rumoured to win by a significant majority and this has upset one of the rank outsiders. Well I say rank outsider but what I should say is deluded outsider. This particular individual has been consistently polling at a predicted 4% of the vote share. It's good to see that it has not dampened his spirits - he simply refuses to believe they are accurate, just as much as he refuses to believe that not having any actual policies is a contributing factor. Actually he does have one election strategy, and that is to accuse the favourite of being rubbish.

Take this transcript for his latest interview when asked about his poor poll ratings;

"The reason people have approached me is because they, like me, share the idea that Tom* hasn't got the answers to fix Auckland's problems, so I think the most responsible thing for me to do is rather than pull out is frankly to double my efforts to make people aware that a Tom* mayoralty seems inevitable and that's not going to fix the problem."

Genius.

And so it goes on. With so many candidates, there are hundreds of permutations. Vote for change, strong leadership, fresh ideas, real results, more of this, less of that, more of the same, more spending, less spending, faster, slower. It's enough to make your head spin. It seems to me is that the candidates should just make their minds up - have a meeting, and agree what they stand for and then come and tell the electorate what they are going to do if given the keys to the big office. If that doesn't work then maybe we should set them a written test. Something relevant like how much is a pint of milk, what is the capital of Peru and what's the most cost effective way to increase the volume of traffic that can travel through the city whilst having enough budget to solve the housing crisis.

It certainly beats dragging everyone to the polling station to put a cross on large sheet of paper. Sounds like common sense to me!

"Rapid Rent-a-fence" seem to have the clearest policies

* Names changed to protect the guilty

On the UP

For those who have missed the headlines of the world's newspapers, and shame on you if you did, Auckland now has a plan. I know, good isn't it. And it's not just any ordinary plan. No, this one is a Unitary Plan. No longer will we have a Proposed Auckland Unitary Plan, or PAUP for short.

So what is it? Well from now on, Auckland has a plan that will guide the growth of the city. It will dictate where tall buildings go, like in the city centre, and help planners decide where larger homes - those with gardens and the like - are best placed. Like on the outskirts for example. Obvious really. What is surprising is that it has taken over two years to decide this. Two years? Really? Have these planners never played Sim City? It has certainly kept Auckland's planners and lawyers busy for two years, and far be it for me to suggest that this was the reason it has taken so long......

When I arrived into Auckland, those short two years ago, the office was awash with talks of the PAUP. Being new to both the office and the country I didn't want to show my ignorance by asking what, or who, it was. For a short while I thought the head of the Catholic Church had recently become interested in planning matters in New Zealand's largest city. 

"Oh, the Pope will help clear that up," said one planner colleague to another at the coffee machine

"I wish they would hurry up and release the Pope," said another.

"Where's Sandra?', asked another

"Oh, she's working in town in the Pope"

Eventually I had to ask and the whole matter was cleared up - and I'm glad that I did because I was very close to making an absolute pratt of myself. And in danger of offending a religious order.

Matters of religion aside, Auckland really does need a better plan then the one it had. Which was nothing. So on that basis the PAUP, or I suppose the AUP as it should now be called, it's a vast improvement. It does seem to be the very epitome of lack of foresight to build the country's most populous city on the narrowest neck of land. And it really is quite narrow. At its narrowest point Auckland, and by extension New Zealand, is little more than 2km wide, which not only presents a transportation nightmare but also makes a mockery of the country's coast-to-coast walking challenge as most people would complete the trip on the way to the shops. 

Against that backdrop, it's crazy that Aucklanders still yearn for the Kiwi ideal. Ask the average Kiwi what is their dream home and they will tell you that they want their own place, surrounded by greenery with perhaps a few chooks and sheep to complete the rural idyll. To you and I this is actually called a farm, but to a Kiwi it's a 'lifestyle block'. Presumably they would complete the picture by getting up at the crack of dawn, working until it's time to get up again and complaining about how nobody understands how hard their life is. Tscchhh, these city folk!

So the very idea of wanting a lifestyle block in the middle of the urban metropolis should seem a little....well ridiculous. Well no. And whilst there are no farms in the centre of Auckland, there are plenty of properties with significant land within shouting distance of the CBD. That's not to say that there aren't any office blocks and tall buildings in the CBD, of course there are. But I do wonder how they got there. Maybe an avaricious neighbour decided to sub-divide their property and sell some of it off to a developer? I can imagine the conversations they would have with the adjoining property as the tower cranes moved in;

"Wow, that's a big crane. You having some work done?"

"Err, yes. We're building a granny flat for mother-in-law"

"And you need a crane that tall? How big is the flat going to be?"

"Errr, no. It's going to be a bungalow....."

"So what's with the crane...Hey, you've not sold your land to one of those city developer types have you?"

"......err, no. Of course not."

"So what about that crane?"

".......errrr.....well......its......errrr......oh, it's for the shopping innit! She's going to need some help getting the shopping out of her car"

"Of course! What a great idea..... Can we borrow it?"

Property size is one thing. And that is contentious enough. You would think that, having announced the plan, that everyone would be relieved that the city would have some direction. But no. There are those that are concerned that their property will be caught up in the wave of urbanisation. And in some cases they will, but that unfortunately is the price of progress. And there are others that think they are going to be evicted whilst a multi-level dwelling is built on their land. It would take a particularly nasty planner to forcibly evict a family from their home whilst a larger capacity dwelling is constructed. Quite easy in Sim City but no so much in the real world.

And then there are the transport issues. This is where the plan has been quite clever, ground breaking even. The larger areas of population growth have been identified as those nearest transport corridors; motorways, rail lines and the like. This has mostly been greeted with appreciation of the city planners' foresight buy some didn't like the idea. Why? Well they complained that their motorway connection into the city would get even busier because of the extra people using it. When it was suggested that they could get the train they responded with a look that suggested they'd been spat at.

And there, in that vignette of interaction, is the problem. You see, Aucklanders are hooked on their cars. I know of plenty of work colleagues who would jump in their car to drive less than 1km to the shop, those who would park up 100m from the office to grab a coffee before continuing their journey, and those who shiver at the very idea of travelling with other people. You think I'm making this up? Our main client's office is in the CBD which is a short train journey away, fifteen minutes at the most door-to-door. It's not unusual for people to drive to these meetings, spend half an hour trying to find a parking spot and then complain on their return about being late and how there is never enough parking in town. Do they modify their behaviour? Of course not.

Removing parking to ease congestion and improve public transport is a contentious issue. Transport planners know that it makes sense but equally they want to see some improvments, rather that see their project get bogged down in months and months of debate, after which the removal of parking will be quashed and they and the city will be no further forward.

Auckland is trying. New train links, improved bus services and simpler fares are on their way. Ferries help shuttle people into the city from neighbouring suburbs and cycle lanes are popping up everywhere. Some of this might rub off. It's going to take a huge shift in travel behaviours and a realisation that not everyone who chooses to travel on public transport is unwashed and down on their luck. Well, there was that one time when I got a bus back from a half marathon where I was, ahem, less than clean. And a little fragrant. But otherwise public transport is quick, cheap and environmentally advantageous. Letting the train take the strain.

I'm sure Auckland will get there. It has to. Either the temptation of quick and cheap travel will pull Aucklanders out of their cars, or being stuck in traffic from hours on end, day-in day-out, will eventually push them onto public transport. And once they do, just think what can be achieved with the spare time they suddenly have! Well for a start, those chooks won't feed themselves.......

Two Years.... is a Long Time in Politics

Two years. Two. Years. It's hard to believe but we have been living and working in New Zealand for two years. It seems like only yesterday that we were stood in the supermarket wondering if $5.60 was good value for two pints of milk and if Tasty Cheese really was tasty......

It can't be two years. Can it? Well they say a week is a long time in politics so let's see how two in NZ  stacks up against the same time in politics.

Well it all kicked off with the Scottish Referendum. Whilst the campaigning was well underway before we left, the vote took place just a few short months after we arrived. Some work colleagues were astounded that we weren't able to vote on the future of our country. That's was, at least, until I explained that I wasn't actually from Scotland but England. "But you do sound Scottish," was the reply I often heard. Well I suppose I used to think that Aussies and Kiwis sounded the same so fair dinkum. Anyway, the Scottish voted to stay in the UK and a mightily relieved Prime Minister showed his appreciation by asserting his Englishness, trumpeting "English votes for English people!" or something like that. During all this, the Labour Party in Scotland was fatally wounded, partly because it had sided with a Tory government over the referendum and partly because it was a little bit rubbish. Let that be a lesson. Then again.....

Next came the General Election, the outcome of which appeared to hinge on whether the leader of the opposition could eat a bacon sandwich properly. He couldn't. But then again no one can. In fact I challenge anyone to eat any fried food filled sandwich, knowing that cameras are recording every bite, without getting at least one colour sauce down your shirt. But the die was cast and a Tory government returned to Parliament, helped in no part by the aforementioned Labour collapse in Scotland, the rise of the buoyant SNP, and the purple peril of UKIP enticing would-be Labour and Conservative voters to their cause. Which is to have the UK removed from the EU. But no one is buying that are they?.......

In the aftermath of the General Election, the leader of the Labour Party resigned and the search began for his replacement. There were many candidates in line for the role and, except for gender, all pretty much alike. Except one. Jeremy Corbyn, in a last minute rush, managed to secure enough nominations to get his name on the ballot paper. JC was a bit of an anachronism, a socialist MP in the Labour Party so presumably those who'd given him their nominations did so as a bit of a joke and to get rid of the loony left once and for all? Typically of the left wing, JC spoilt the mood at the party by gathering hundreds of thousands at rallies accross the UK and going on to win the leadership election by a huge margin. The biggest since the war. Although exactly which war was never really defined - it's so hard to tell these days since we go to war an awful lot. Maybe it's to get away from the British weather?

Take Syria for example. Syria was tearing itself apart, the causes of which are far too involved to go into in this simple blog, but something needed to be done. Or needed to be seen to be some perhaps? And what better way is there to bring about stability in a country than to drop bombs on its people. Yes, that'll do the trick. And so, after a televised debate in Parliament, the country voted once again to go to war, Hilary Benn was applauded for making a stirring speech (the main purpose of which appears to have been to remind us that he's nothing like his father and cement his reputation as the next leader in waiting) and everyone patted themselves on the back for a job well done and then sloped off to the subsidised bar for a drink. Allegedly.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, the Prime Minister John Key decided what everyone wanted was a vote on a new flag. They didn't. But when in politics does what people want actually stop a politician from doing what they wanted to do anyway? And so, at the cost of millions, new designs were drawn up and the electorate were asked to pick one which they did.....they chose the existing one. Hurrah for democracy. Meanwhile families were sleeping in cars because of the lack of affordable housing..... Who  in their right mind would hold a referendum that no one was asking for and then be shocked when the vote doesn't go the way they were expecting......

Back in the UK the Tory right were taking note of the threat of UKIP, and longed for the days when England were good at cricket, when you could speak your mind without fear of being challenged for your dated views and for a time when the sun never set on the British Empire. To put this prehistoric rabble to bed, and to help ensure a General Election win, a referendum on the UK and the EU was offered by the prospective Prime Minister. What could possibly go wrong?

After a very bitter campaign, where each side accused the other of lying and questioning their parental heritage, the day came when the UK voted on its future. After months of incrimination and accusation, it boiled down to "should the UK remain as part of the EU or leave?". The result is now well known. But I can't help but wonder if the question should've been "Should the UK wreck its economy, devalue the pound, promote racism, remove health and safety protection from its citizens, threaten peace in Europe, enter a deep recession.... or not?" Maybe the outcome would've been totally different?

Apart from signalling to the rest of the world that the UK was a bunch of racist bigots, the referendum resulted in the resignation of the Prime Minister who, quite sensibly, wanted nothing to do with clearing up the mess he'd created. With the PM gone, the spotlight turned on those who led the campaign to leave, looking for guidance in our hour of need. Embarrassed, they looked at their shoes, fidgeted with their shirt cuffs, mumbled something about it not being their idea, made their excuses and left. With stunning efficiency, a new PM was chosen - a Margaret Thatcher MKII - along with a new right wing cabinet and the country was teleported back to the heady days of 1979. 

To reinforce the feeling that we've all been having a bad dream, and the Labour Party never really was in power for over fourteen years under Tony Blair, the Parliamentary Labour Party rejected their leader in a mass resignation. Citing he fact that he unelectable and, perhaps ironically, unable to control his party they demanded he resign. A coup was initiated by Angela Eagle, who was soon joined by a born again socialist Owen 'Who' Smith and the second campaign in twelve months for a Labour Party leader began. The choice, or so we are told, is simple; either keep the current leader, who has the overwhelming support of party members, but will never be elected as PM; or chose another leader who will never be elected a leader but someone who meets the Identikit New Labour Leader specification. To prove his critics right, thousands queued to attend Corbyn's rallies. It would take a huge mis-step on his part to damage the support he has; shouting at a baby on live TV or trying to eat a cooked sandwhich might do it. 

Meanwhile, across the pond, things were going swimmingly. Okay, I lied but I was just trying to make you feel better. After months of shouting, telling huge porkies and threatening to build walls, America took another huge step towards giving the keys to the Whitehouse to an megalomaniac with a IQ less then his shoe size. Not to mention the keys to a huge nuclear arsenal. Should people's worse fears come true, at least the last few moments of the earth as we know it will be entertaining.

Speaking of nuclear arsenals, one of the first acts of the new PM was to hold a debate on the future of Trident. It was a bit off holding the debate so soon, especially as the opposition were busy pointing fingers and blaming each other for the dire situation and letting the Tories run amok. Meanwhile the Tories did exactly that; announcing the return of Grammar Schools and trying to start a new Cold War by pissing off the Chinese and halting the construction of a nuclear bomb, sorry reactor, somewhere in Somerset. Then, just as the Chinese officials started to become indignant at the very suggestion that there was anything untoward or shady with the whole deal, a Chinese company who formed one third of the consortium was accused of espionage. I'm not making this up.

And this is all playing out against a backdrop of Europe being torn apart by random, casual terrorism. Except it's not but that's what certain sections of the media would have you believe. 

Still at least all was calm in the world of sport. I that was until Leicester City were crowned champions  of the Premier League, and as cheers from every neutral football supporter rang out, Manchester United demanded that the season be started arson because they weren't ready and didn't notice it had started.

With all this madness going on, it's no surprise that David Bowie and Prince decide to call it a day.

When we arrived back here after our trip to Europe it was with a certain sigh of relief. Yes, we missed home but being so far from anywhere does has its advantages. Yes, the broadband may be slow, there's little football coverage and you can't get a decent pork pie, but at least we're not worried about a bad tempered idiot having access to nuclear weapons, wondering what public service will get cut next or eyeing up our neighbours with suspicion. And they're Australian!

Yes it's safe to say, a lot has happened whilst we've been down here, and whilst it's not healthy to cut yourself off from the northern hemisphere for too long, sometimes, just sometimes, New Zealand does feel like the safest and most reassuring boring place to be.