Kiwi drivers are shocking. Seriously. What gives? OK, I appreciate that I may be over generalising and maybe it's only an Auckland thing but good grief they suck. Big time.
They're not malicious, we'll leave those sort of shenanigans to the British who take perverse joy in making their fellow driver's lives miserable. Neither are they aggressive. Far from it. Aggression has no place on Kiwi roads, unlike the irate Italians who think the horn is somehow linked to the accelerator pedal. It's none of those things. No it's just they they're in a world of their own, their minds a thousand miles from where it ought to be. Which is of course observing the patch of asphalt in front of them. Not looking at their phones, combing their hair, chatting to their passengers or, and I'm not making this up, putting on lipstick.
Take the other day for example. I was walking to work, minding my own business, when I decided to cross a side street. This was nothing unusual and something I've done thousands of times before. You know, I know what I'm doing when it comes to side street crossing. I like to think myself of a bit of an expert in this matter. I came to the kerb side, looked in all directions and assessed the situation. It was early and traffic was light but there was a car approaching on the main road. "Where are they going?", I thought to myself, "I'd better make sure they're not turning left into this street"
Ah it was ok, they indicated to turn right, presumably into a driveway on the opposite site of the main road. And indeed the car started to turn to the right. No worries then. I stepped out into the side road and started my journey to the other side..... which was very nearly was in the spiritual sense. The car made a sudden change of direction and took a sweeping arc to the left and into the side street. My side street. THE ONE I WAS HALF WAY ACROSS!!
Noticing my presence the driver took the only sensible option.... and sped up. My imminent doom seemed assured. I stopped in my tracks wondering if the last thing I would hear would be Madonna singing 'Borderline' (I was feeling very base that morning and fancied a bit of 80s pop to accompany me in my journey. With hind sight, if I'd known it was a journey to the afterlife I'd have picked something with a little more gravitas. Kylie for example). Frozen to the spot I saw my life flashing in front of my eyes, made peace with myself and shut my eyes.
Thankfully the vehicle passed in front of me with an inch or two to spare. But close enough for me to get a look at the driver. He was oblivious to the whole thing - more concerned about a stray hair on his head than the startled looking pedestrian whose nose was almost grazed by his window - and sped of in the direction he had come.
And this is only the most recent incident. Oh I could go on. A colleague of mine spotted, whilst cycling into work, a woman holding a coffee in one hand whilst texting on her phone with the other, the steering wheel controlled masterfully with a pinkie finger. He had the last laugh - he got to the next set of lights, pulled up along side the car, banged on the window and shouted "Really? Are you serious?" Whilst gesticulating towards her choice of control mechanism. Or lack of it.
Maybe it is just Auckland. Or maybe the result of people used to driving on the open road being let loose in an urban environment. Maybe. Or it could be the result of nationalities not used to driving in the left arriving in the country and immediately being given control of a large SUV. Maybe. Or maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm a dangerous walker?
Certainly the rules of the road don't help. During my first month here I took our a pool car and drove, with some colleagues to a meeting. I was mocked for refusing to 'overtake' on the inside on the motorway. I just couldn't do it. I knew it was legal but every fibre of my British being screamed "DONT'T DO IT!! IT'S WRONG AND THERE'S NO WAY BACK." I explained to my passengers that I had a gold standard driving licence and I knew better. They'd never heard of a gold standard licence, so I explained it was a British licence and therefore the highest standard available. Odd but we've never really got on since.
In the short space of time I've been here I've see it all; tailgating on an empty motorway, dogs with heads out of car sunroofs, drivers reading books, looking at iPads or rummaging around for something in a bag.....on the back seat. I've seen cars pulling trailers with unsecured garden rubbish (by the time they got to where they were going the load would've surely miraculously vanished), vehicles suddenly emerging from within buildings onto packed footpaths, evasive manoeuvres on empty roads, non existent indication, over enthusiastic indication (tip: only one is supposed to flash at any one time), vehicles suddenly reversing onto the footpath, cars parked at jaunty angles across side roads and startled Asian drivers who seem surprised when a car doesn't get out of the way when they approach them on the wrong side of the road. It's mind boggling, exciting and just a little bit scary.
I'm sometimes really thankful to arrive into work in one piece. Sure, the first time I fell to my knees and kissed the carpet beside my desk got a few strange looks but it's become normal behaviour now. Well almost.
I say all of this from a place of love. I really do. Kiwis are lovely people; friendly, considerate, enthusiastic, caring and have a superb laissez-farez attitude. She'll be right. I just wish it didn't apply when they're behind one tonnes of fast moving steel.
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