So why this open invite to physical abuse? Well for those of you not tuned to the Southern Hemisphere weather reports, New Zealand is going through a bit of a cold snap. 'Big deal!' I hear you think before adding 'So it's got a bit cool has it? What, you might even have to put a cardy on?' The sarcasm would be fully justified, except it is proper cold, even in the normally balmy Auckland.
OK, so maybe it hasn't hit 20 degrees below, like it did in the South Island - which you must admit is a little on the chilly side. At that temperature even Geordies might be tempted to put on a jacket. Only a summer weight one mind and then adding, 'It's not as if it's cold like. It's just somewhere to put me keys'. No, so it maybe not quite Arctic.... I beg your pardon Antarctic weather but Auckland has been getting down as low as 5 degrees at night. I know, but before you start accusing me of turning into a southern ponce, just hear me out....
Firstly, five degrees is cold for Auckland. Almost frosty in fact. Any colder and the powers that be would be seriously considering investing in a gritter. Admittedly, the temperatures get up to around 14 degrees during the day but by-eck the nights are cold.
Secondly the houses are, in general, not insulated. We all live in, what can only be described as, sheds. Wooden walls, single glazed windows and corrugated tin roofs. Great for the summer but fuck all use when the weather turns cold. Which it has. Mind you, these are £1m sheds and not something that you can pick up from B&Q. Or rather Mitre10. But despite the eye-watering price tag, when the temperature drops, it's almost warmer outside.
Thirdly, not that you needed anymore convincing I'm sure, there is no central heating. In some cases house owners have installed a contraption called a heat pump (think hot and cold air blower fitted to the wall and you'd be somewhere close) and this is the sole source of heating. Others, such as the one we reside in, has nowt. Other than the two portable electric heaters we bought last week, we rely on layers of clothes and moving around a lot. It's good exercise but very tiring at the same time. Meal times can be a little hazardous with all that moving about keeping warm - soup is definitely off the menu after the scolding incident last night. Experts tell you that heat pumps are very efficient. They have to be because most of the heat they generate pisses out of the single glazed windows and un-insulated walls. Thankfully New Zealand gets a lot of its electricity from geothermal power so it's not the environmental disaster it could be.
Are you convinced? No? Well how about that for the last two nights, even with the heaters in full blast, our living room managed to get up to a practically stifling ten degrees. It was so warm I had to take one of my three jumpers off.
On the positive side, I'm very clean. The bath or shower is the warmest place to be at the moment. Not looking forward to our next water bill though, and I'm starting to resemble a prune. But it's worth it for a quick defrost. The other positive is that I'm getting through a lot of work at the moment - getting a flyer at 4:30 has lost its appeal somewhat. Even on a Friday. 'Don't you have a home to go to?,' come the witty remarks. 'Actually no - I have a shed in the middle of the street!'. Luxury.
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