You see it all started innocently enough, with the purchase of a new running watch. No, of course not a watch that could run but a watch to use whilst running. Can I continue? Thank you. So I have recently purchased a watch to use whilst running as a replacement to the one I had that has expired. It's time had come so to speak. Little did I know that I had just entered a while new world of pain and anguish. This new watch has a hidden function, one that was unsurprisingly hidden from me at the time of purchase, and that is to torture and ridicule its wearer. It is, to put it more plainly, an evil watch. You see it counts your steps. Incessantly. This wasn't mentioned on the packaging or the brightly colour advert in the running magazine. No, of course not a magazine that runs, but a magazine devoted to running. Sheesh. Well devoted to running and, as it turns out, the dark arts.
Not only does it count steps but it sends a message, along with a vibrating alert, when you haven't moved for a while. I can only assume that the manufacturers couldn't figure out a way to accompany this alert with an electric shock without completely depleting the battery.
This was fun at first. A bit of a novelty. I'd be sat at work....working...and then get a gentle reminder that it has been nearly an hour since I'd stood up. So, In response to the reminders, I casually get up and go for a walk and speak to colleagues who, unaware I am obeying my watch, presumably think I've suddenly become a lot chattier these days.
The honeymoon period did not last long and I've seen through its friendly facade. Not only does it count steps and remind you when you've not moved in a while, but it also sets you a daily goal. "How lovely, I like a challenge", I hear you think. Well here's the thing. When you reach your daily challenge, the next time it's a bit more. Not much - a hundred steps or so - but more. Then more. And more. Each day getting increasingly harder to meet the target and please the master..... sorry watch. The watch is a fascist, a bully and impossible to satisfy.
I've now come to the conclusion that the watch was made by Satan himself. Let's review the simple fact - what is the point of putting a step counter into a running watch? If the point is to motivate the wearer into being more active, then surely the fact that it is worn WHILST RUNNING is surely enough. Runners aren't exactly known for their fondness for the couch, unless it is, or course, after a long run. Today is a perfect example of that. I have ran 15km today and well and truly met my step target for today. In fact I had met it by the time I had arrived at the start line on Devonport. And it had truly been smashed by the time I got home. There was absolutely no way the master.....sorry watch....could be displeased with that. So there I was, resting on the couch with a cup of tea, feeling pleased with myself for being so active, when the all too familiar buzz was felt on my wrist. 'MOVE' was flashing on the small screen and it had gone red, presumably to highlight it's anger towards me. How dare I? How dare I sit there and relax with a cup of tea when I should be up and about. Presumably, watch the watch wanted to say was 'STOP SITTING AROUND ON YOUR FAT ARSE DRINKING TEA YOU LAZY GIT. YOU'VE ONLY RAN 15km. GET UP. YOU ARE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME'. I can only thank mercy for the limited screen space.
Was there no pleasing it? This thing was impossible. But deep down, I knew it was right. I have, after all, only done 24,483 steps today and there are plenty of hours left. What am I doing? I'm wasting my life away sitting here drinking tea. Whilst it's still light I'm going to get out there and do some more - oh and there's a torch in the hall drawer so I could maybe squeeze in some more steps after dinner. Yes - I'll show it who's boss......
No comments:
Post a Comment