The signs were always there, simmering under, but recently they have come crashing to the surface. It all started all so innocently, such as critiquing someone's running attire. Non-verbally of course - I am British after all. Surely that couldn't cause any harm. But now? I have an ever growing list of things that should be banned, limited, changed or controlled. So in no particular order, other than that in which they came to my mind;
Runners who run in races with headphones - I'm not such a control freak that I think anyone who's wears headphones whilst running is a moron, even if the even rules specifically ban them. I really don't care if they put themselves in harms way by not being able to hear traffic. Not one jot. No, what really ticks me off is when they suddenly decide to step in front on me as I'm passing. How rude. Surely a simple glance over the shoulder before you decide to change tack would help?
Runners who spit on you - Following on from the entry above is a rather despicable subset of igornance. Running is, generally speaking, a mild mannered pastime and not known for bouts of aggression. Not like football, boxing or the rough and tumble world of crown bowls. But that doesn't mean you are immune for getting showered in another's bodily fluids. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant when it happens. And it's not limited, like you might think, to the rougher of the two species. Only last week, when I was racing in Rotorua, just as I was passing a female runner she turned her head and unleashed, what can only be described as, a drenching. I know there are some that would pay good money for that but it's not my thing. She did apologise so that was all ok. Not!
Running with Dogs - If you want to take the dog for a walk don't do it in a race. Honestly is it too much to ask? And if you must, start at the back and stay there. I appreciate that it adds to the excitement of a running race, what with the headphoned lane changers and expectorating competitors, but having to suddenly jump over an outstretched lead because your four legged companion has suddenly decided to sniff a tree at the side of the course is just too much. And do you really need that 100m long lead?
Front runners - Whilst we're on the topic, not everyone can start at the front. I know it's exciting to be in a race but if you're not going to win (and that's most of us - honest) then start further back. It might just stop the congestion at the first corner and prevent the usual melee as faster runners collide with the slower competitors. And as for walkers. Yes you. You're welcome but get to the back. Sheesh.
Long socks - Now this is where it gets personal. I know there are some that believe that compression socks are medically advantageous, preventing strains and sprains. But they also make you look like a total tit. There is no form, male or female, that is improved by wearing socks up to your knees. And if you need proof, when did you last see, oh I don't know, Mo Farah wearing socks. Exactly. If you want to wear long socks when running go and live in a cold country.
Bad!
Grubby kit - Now this is limited to the male world of running. Can you do us all a favour and take a look in the mirror before you head out of the door. If your kit was first worn in 1975 it's probably past its best. Yes, I know it's comfortable but if it can stand up on its own then it's time to retire it. And just because it fit well in 1975 doesn't mean that is still the case. Just a tip, but if you can see your belly peeking from underneath the bottom of the once white garment, then you need a new shirt. Finally, just because there are no stains on the front, doesn't mean it's clean. Yellow is not mellow, if you catch my drift.
Cotton kills - Whilst we are on the topic of running attire, those jogging bottoms you bought for $10 really are not doing you any favours. Yes, I know they're called 'jogging' bottoms but for once the clue is not in the name. And that t-shirt. Yes, you may have bought it from a sports shop but if it's cotton then it's going to get very damp very quickly. And please don't be fooled, the Rocky Balboa look may look cool on young Sylvester Stallone but a sweat darkened shirt on a forty-something slightly overweight middle aged man is not good. Not one bit.
Running with phone in hand - What's all that about? At the end of a run I can hardly be bothered to hold my head up never mind clutch on to something in my hand. I know it shouldn't really matter to me, but if find it irksome. Buy a arm strap if you really can't be parted from your loved one during a run, but having it in your hand is potty. Or, and I appreciate this is a radical thought, try running without it. You won't faint, I promise. One of the joys of running is the mental peace that comes from popping on a pair of running shoes and getting out into the open air, listening to your heartbeat and just breathing. Go on, you know you want to.
Put it away - Yes, I know it's hot but there really is no need to run bare-chested. And why is it that the runners who feel the need to get their skin out are those that really shouldn't? It's an unnatural phenomenon. Go and get a good quality singlet and do us all a favour.
So there you have it, my gripes and bitchin' about running. And I know, it's not you it's me but I already feel better for getting it off my chest. It's going to be a long road back to tolerance but I'm going to try. All I ask is that, should you see a slightly grumpy white middle aged man tutting in your general direction, cut him a bit of slack. He's trying.
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