Citizen Graeme

A few years ago, borrowing a phrase from the Marx Brothers, I wrote that I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member. 

I lied. 

“What?” I hear you shout. Yes I can only imagine your surprise. But I did, sorry. In actual fact, if I’m being truly honest, I’d just about join any club that would have me. I’m not picky. Obviously there are limits. Political allegiances have to be chosen carefully, as do any that require an ongoing membership payment. I’m still smarting from the huge amounts of cash I forked out for the Britannia Music Club. Actually might still be paying for those six original cassettes I was sent. 

So naturally, when the opportunity arose to become a citizen of New Zealand, I jumped at the chance. You see, although I was already a permanent resident, I was frustrated with the limitation that I couldn’t represent New Zealand in an international sporting event. I am convinced that if it wasn’t for a few recurring injury niggles, I could easily become one of their key athletes. Maybe in athletics or football.  Yes, once I was a citizen I’d show Mr Jarvis my school PE teacher and part-time torturer just what I was capable of. 

If that wasn’t enough, Citizenship comes with a rather tasty black and silver embossed passport. Very cool.

There were no downsides as far as I could see. There was only the matter of filling out the application form, having some photos taken and handing over £750. And it could all be done online from the safety and comfort of an armchair. We’ll mostly.

Right then, the application form. This was a worry. What if I had to explain the rules of rugby or write down my favourite lamb recipe? That would be tricky. I have been to one rugby game in Aotearoa but didn’t really enjoy it - not helped by the fact that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. And lamb? Hate the stuff. 

Lying on an official form was undoubtedly guaranteed to get your application thrown out. If either of those two questions came up, I’d just have to do the only honest thing and consult Wikipedia.

As it turned out, the form was fairly straightforward, as most official things in New Zealand are. The hardest part was getting the web site’s facial recognition software to recognise me. It took several attempts in various different lighting locations to get it to work. Goodness knows what neighbours thought as I paraded up and down the street. I had decided that I needed to be smart for the photo so was wearing a shirt and jacket….. as well as pyjama bottoms.

Eventually it worked, and the application and supporting information was uploaded. Now I just had to wait. Months passed and my application didn’t appear to have moved anywhere in the virtual queue. At this rate, my application wouldn’t be assessed for at least six months, mostly because of the sudden increase in applications since the pandemic. I was in no rush, there were many more people in much more precarious situations I’m sure. And besides I was between athletic seasons. 

After a few months I’d stopped looking and eventually it slipped from my mind altogether. it would be assessed when it was assessed. It was a huge surprise, a few weeks later, to find an email in my inbox confirming acceptance of my application. That was it then. I was a New Zealand citizen!

If I’m being honest, it was a bit of an anticlimax. The email explained that because of restrictions that were in place because of the pandemic, there wouldn’t be the usual ceremony, and my certificate would arrive in a few days in the post. Arrive it did, but even this was a little….well…amateurish. It looked more like a photocopy than the important document that is was. Ahh well, it was only a bit of paper. I was a citizen and that was the important thing.

The final step was to apply for a New Zealand passport. Thankfully this was to be a quick process and only held up by the fact that I would be out of the country when it was processed. Because there was a risk that I wouldn’t be allowed back in whilst my passport was being printed, I had to wait until I was back from my travels before applying. Wouldn’t that be ironic - a citizen and can’t get back into the country because of an admin SNAFU.

Anyway, that’s all there was to it. Do I feel any different? I guess I do. A little anyway. I do have two passports now so it feels a little James Bond. It is an honour to be able to call myself a New Zealander and it’s something that I will treasure. As for the athletics career? Well it’s just typical that I’ve had an ankle injury since I became a Kiwi so I have ruled myself out for selection. No dramas, there’s always next year….