Not All Plain Sailing

Every now and again I find myself suddenly stopping what I'm doing, looking around and wondering "How on earth did I end up here?", or to be totally truthful "What the F***?".

What causes me to do that changes depending upon what mood I'm in or what my energy levels are like. It could be a sudden down pour, catching a glimpse of the blue sea, the lights on the SkyTower or...well just about anything really. And it is amazing to think that not even a year ago we'd never even been to New Zealand. Little did we know, when we set off from the UK in December 2013, that we'd be back living here. Let's try that again. Living. Here. Even typing that has given me cause to stop and just take it all in. It just goes to show you never know what's around the corner.

We never knew, well who would, that we would be marking the anniversary of our first arrival with the fourth month of our residency. Never saw that coming.

And what a four months it has been. But I guess, if you've been reading this outpost of the Internet on a regular basis, then you already knew that. But it hasn't all been plain sailing in the City of Sails. We've had our moments. Although this is a well worn path,and there are plenty of those who have, and who will, make the journey South, there is no manual. Very little in the way of published guidance and no one really tells you just how hard it can be. Yes we knew it was going to take a bit of effort but that was only part of it.

So, whilst I'm in a reflective and almost helpful mood, here are my top five* tough things and tips how to overcome them;

1/. Be prepared to have your world tipped upside down

No really. Be ready. New Zealand is perhaps one of the easiest countries to relocate to but it's all too easy to be lulled into a sense of false security. Yes they drive on the same side of the road, speak the same language, and enjoy a beer of two but it's the small things that bite you on the bum. And wear you down. Simple things like going to the supermarket, where things look familiar but are slightly different. Questions are relentless; "Just where do they put tomato paste?", "Is this like mackerel?", "Will this be the same as.......". Don't laugh. It's hard. And tiring. You start out asking the shop staff a question or two about condiments but before you know it you've magically acquired a personal shopper.

The only was to avoid being a nuisance, or worse getting banned from the establishment is to simply go with the flow. And whatever you do don't try and recreate every menu you had back home. Stop looking for pork pies. You won't find them. (Although strangely you can find Worcester Sauce!). But above all don't shop when your tired. You'll only end up falling out with yourself and going home with a basket of totally incompatible ingredients. 

And so what if you buy a tin of tomato sauce thinking it will make a great base for homemade pizzas - only to find that it is actually tomato sauce. You know ketchup. In a tin. WTF? It's still perfectly edible. Just about.

And don't forget - it's supposed to be different. There is no point in coming all this way and then trying to recreate your life from back home. It's the equivalent of going on holiday to Spain and then spending the entire time in English bars and seeking out the best place for fish and chips. As an aside you can buy fish and chips almost everywhere here so that's one less thing to worry about! Enjoy the differences. 

2/. Say goodbye to home comforts....for a while at least

Arriving into a new country with only a suitcase to your name seems like a fun adventure. And it is. For a while. Pretty soon you are tired of looking at the same old clothes ("ah it's Monday so it the grey trousers and white shirt combo today") miss having your home comforts and start to wonder if you'll ever see them again. Waving goodbye to your house contents and not seeing them again for twelve weeks is more difficult than you can imagine. What makes it worse is that you can easily buy replacements but the thought of spending money on something when you have a perfectly good one somewhere in the Pacific makes it hard. Why waste good money when, with a little patience, a container full of your stuff will arrive? 

Well you know what? If it's really that important go and buy it. You've already taken a huge step by moving to the other side of the world so cut yourself some slack. An additional table lamp, a set of knives and forks or a 'throw' won't break the bank and it may just help take the edge off the frustration. And you know what? Your stuff will arrive and when it does it's like Christmas has arrived early. Unless of course it arrives at Christmas in which case it's like all your Christmases arrived at once. Which they have. It's a really great feeling when they container doors open and there is all of you stuff. Just as you left it months ago. 

3/. A Mountain of Things

Make no mistake about it, the first few months are going to be hard work. If your lucky enough to already have a job then you are still going to have to find somewhere to live, open bank accounts, get mobile phones, apply for a tax code, buy a car, change your driving licence, buy insurance, sort out power providers, internet providers..... 

It would be very easy to arrive and rush into sorting all this stuff out. Yes finding somewhere to live is kind of a big deal but take your time. Making a decision in a panic won't help. So have a few weekends off. Relax and take in your surroundings and take some time to remember why you came and take stock of what you've achieved so far.

And once you've done that.... GET A F**KING MOVE ON! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A BLOODY HOLIDAY? Oh and get a reliable broadband connection sorted. Yes really. Whether you are a tech nerd or not it will make a huge difference and help sort all the other stuff out. 

4/. It Still Rains

If you are coming to New Zealand to escape the British rain then you're in for a shock. It rains. A lot. Well it does in Auckland anyway. Of course we knew that it rained. Well it has to doesn't it? But we didn't know that it rained. I don't think that a day has gone by when it hasn't. And oh boy does it come down. It is torrential. No really. Imagine all the rain in the Lake District for one day in a ten minute deluge. It rains so hard that it makes your head bleed.

May advice to the unwary traveller is this. Be careful. Or don't. You'll either spend the day lugging round a waterproof and brolly and not need it or don't and get soaking wet. And breathable Goretex? Forget it. If you opt to wear a coat then you'll get wet from the inside no matter what. But it's all good. Mother nature has her own fix, whatever your decision. Within half an hour the sun will be baking the streets and, quite conveniently, drying you off. 

And besides, if you are feeling a little homesick, what is better than a good bit of rain to remind you of home? Exactly.

5/. Half A World Away

OK so I've saved the worst for last, and it's a really obvious one. A no-brainer. New Zealand is a long way from home, or more importantly a heck of a long way from family and friends. In your head you know it is but it's not until you arrive, and once the excitement or enormity of what you've done subsidies, that you really understand the distance. And time. The distance you can sort of rationalise - it is after all only a flight (or two) away - but being thirteen hours ahead really brings it home. Thirteen hours. Just think about that for a moment. When you're getting ready for work, friends and family back home are closing the hatches and getting ready for bed. 

And then there is the seasons. Whilst you're slapping on the sun cream folks back home are wrapping up. And come the winter it'll be summer. 

It really does give you a sense of disconnection and there is no easy way to deal with it. No little tricks to help. You've just got to get on and get used to it. Sure having the Internet helps; video calls have come a long way and really shrink the distance, momentarily at least. But it's not the same. 

My only advice is to keep sending home those pictures of clear blue skies, sparkling oceans and white sun-soaked sand and pretty soon everyone you knew or loved at home will disown you in a fit of jealousy. Problem solved.

So there you have it - five pitfalls and tips to avoid them. And if all else fails and you're still getting sudden cases of WTFs. Just stop what you're doing. Take a look around and remember why you're where you are. And if that doesn't work.. go to the pub! Case closed.

It'd be churlish of me not to follow my own advice, so here's one I prepared earlier....

* for the sake of alliteration it was going to be ten things but I've got better things to do than sit here all day typing** 

** Actually I haven't but you don't need to know that!

This could be the first time....

If the purpose of having adventures is to experience new stuff then this past week or so has definitely hit the spot. So in not particular order here are three highlights;

1/. Ferry Across the Mers....

I can honestly say, with suntanned hand on heart, that I've never taken a ferry to get to a concert. Never.... Or at least I don't think I have. It's the sort of thing that you'd remember, even in a drunken state. Not that I was drunk on this occasion. A little merry perhaps, but certainly not drunk. The thought of getting on a water borne vessel in a state of inebriation is not on my list of top ten things to try. That's why I've avoided cruises..... and the pedal boats in Scarborough.

Anyway I digress. And so it was that last Friday we caught a ferry from downtown Auckland across the harbour to Devonport where we saw the New Zealand Navy Band play big band classics. Multicultural moi? You betcha. And they were fantastic - their previous appointment to this was to play for Angela Merkel. Not even U2 can claim that.....actually knowing Bono they probably have but you know what I'm saying right? Good.

The other notable fact, especially for readers from the magical city of Liverpool, is that there is also a town called Birkenhead 'across the water'. I kid you not.

2/. Rotorua

Where do you start with a place like Rotorua? No, I don't know either. It's certainly the first town I've been to where they roll up the pavements at 9:30pm. Actually scrub that - I've also been to Todmorden on a drizzly, cold day in December. 

But it is the first town I've been to where in the local cinema the patrons are outnumbered by the staff. Actually I'm being a bit disingenuous. The actuality is that the local climbing wall has a small cinema in its basement where they show films of a more independent nature. The thirteen seater movie house is a sight to behold, too cute for words and a great resource for a town that seemed to be short on resources. Well those that extend beyond 9:30pm anyway. We bought tickets, along with three others, to see 'Finding Vivian Maier'. We thoroughly enjoyed it. Not sure the others did as we were only three by the time the movie ended. Maybe they were expecting something else? Perhaps they were in the mood for a spy thriller? Or a swashbuckling adventure? If they were then a documentary about a reclusive photographer who died in obscurity probably wasn't their idea of entertainment for a Saturday night.

I can also claim, without one shred of doubt, that I have never ran in a race that took you through an active geological area. OK so I have never ran in a race in NZ until today, but running through a landscape that gloops, hisses and steams sulphureously at you is definitely unusual. And oh my god the smell! Was it not enough that I was surrounded by smelly runners? Thankfully this was only one portion of the 21km route as the rest took you through forest glades, manicured suburbia and along the lake shore. I'm glad to say that I finished in one piece and in a decent time. But I have definitely gone off eggs. 

3/. Breakfast on the go

I thought I'd seen all the variations on mobile meals - that was until my journey to work one morning last week. Now you should understand that I walk fairly quickly, especially for someone less tall than average. But I was surprised when I was overtaken by a woman coming out of a side street.....eating cereals from a bowl. Yes overtaken! Walking at speed down the street whilst munching on cornflakes, balancing a bowl in one hand with spoon in other was something that I'd never thought I'd see. To be fair it was something that I'd never even considered that I'd see. Maybe it demonstrates a whole lack of imagination on my part? Intrigued, I sped up to try and stay with her. Whatever was in her bowl certainly give here energy. But I couldn't help think that she would have been better off getting out of bed a few minutes earlier and sitting still whilst having her morning repast. It would certainly be less risky. If she had to have food on the go then why not have a banana or a bit of toast? They are certainly more mobile and almost entirely remove the risk of spilling milk on the footpath. If it has to be cereal based then how about a cereal bar? Surely that would be an appropriate compromise? Fascinating.

So there you have it. New stuff. Surely that is the whole reason for coming somewhere new? Of course there are the usual chores; grocery shopping, commuting, paying bills, working etc. But it's the new stuff that makes the other things worthwhile. And I'm looking forward to seeing what's around the corner. No don't tell me! I want to find out for myself. In a country as special, beautiful and, in some cases, downright bizarre it could be anything. 

A Nasty Case of WPS

It is not very well known outside New Zealand, but there is a terrible and, in some cases fatal, disease that strikes the unwary traveller. It attacks at random, without warning and can be very expensive to cure. WPS, or to give it it's full title ’Whinging Pom Syndrome’, can be triggered off by the slightest of things.

Quite often the triggers are innocuous; a half glimpsed snippet of something on TV, a passing remark or even the weather. More often, however, the root cause is something that is connected to the deepest part of the psyche. Food. Or to be more precise, the lack of a certain foodstuff. The early signs are difficult to spot and can easily be mistaken for a 'bit of a grumble'. 

“These tea bags are just not as good as the those we get at home”, is all too familiar phrase from a WPS sufferer in the early stages of the disease.

“You just can't get the things we get at home. You know the bits and bobs that make a difference - make you feel at home ”, sympathises another as WPS takes hold.

“Marmite. I just can't get find it anywhere. Sure there are some New Zealand kind of yeast extract products. But it's not Marmite. You know what I mean”.

And so it goes on. And on. And on. And on. If left untreated the condition can worsen and lead to a much more severe and debilitating disease Ping-Pong-Pom or PPP. 

Usually a good slap around the head is sufficient to momentarily reduce the symptoms in a WPS suffer but if left untreated and allowed to worsen PPP can take hold. In these cases the sufferer will return to the UK for treatment. For example a nice cup of tea and a biscuit has been know to successfully treat WPS sufferers whereas others have responded well to Sunday lunch and a pint in a pub.

Usually, after several months of treatment, the individual regains their strength and returns to New Zealand, ready to resume their ’new life’. Unfortunately, in some cases, the treatment is not as successful as first thought and WPS returns more rampant than ever before. Once again the sufferer is forced to return to the UK for treatment and so the cycle continues. Once the disease gets to this stage PPP is very hard to cure as the sufferer succumbs wholly and totally.

Fortunately there is one treatment that will completely cure PPP and that is the immediate and permanent removal of the sufferer’s passport. It is a drastic step but I most cases the individual goes on to make a full recovery and live a full and healthy life.

Although much research has been undertaken into debilitating disease, those in the medical profession are dumbfounded as to how the disease chooses it's victims or, perhaps more tellingly, why they are more susceptible to its advances. 

A few days after arriving in NZ I did myself notice some symptoms of early stages of WPS but these have quickly been eradicated - self administration of a nice glass of Sauvignon Blanc did the trick. To make sure, however, that WPS is kept at bay I have prescribed myself a course of the treatment. Yes it doesn't come cheap but if WPS is to be taken seriously then it is the only option.

Java Script

There's a new coffee shop that's opened up round the corner from us. It's caused quite a stir. Apart from the limp name 'biskit, there's nothing not to like. All of the now standard coffee shop paraphernalia are present and correct; morning papers, witty slogans on the walls, nice artwork, exposed brick walls and of course a huge coffee making machine.

All of this was revealed tantalisingly slowly over a few months - passers by and excited potential customers were able to glimpse snap shots through cracks in the brown paper that had been taped to the windows to create privacy for the fit out. 

Strangely, with the passing weeks, gaps appeared in different places offering different views and became , over time, increasingly larger. Either the owners were deliberately creating these to generate a buzz or they had very poor Sellotape.

Whatever the reason it worked. We passed to new addition to our high street on its first morning and it was rammed. Standing room only. Or thereabouts. The rich smell of coffee and bread products wafted out of the door into our early morning noses. It smelled good. Real good.

And people seemed to be enjoying it. Mugs of foaming coffee, cakes, bagels and muffins were being consumed. Papers we're being poured over and pre-work conversations flowed. Much like the coffee. The owners of 'biskit clearly had a hit on their hands.

And not a moment too soon. We were getting desperate - we were down to our last fifteen coffee shops. Nowhere near enough. So phew!

But it got me thinking. 'Oh dear, not again!', I hear you cry. But it did. 

So, assuming that fifty coffee drinkers hadn't just arrived in town for a coffee appreciation convention, where did these people come from? 

So unless these people all awoke this particular morning and thought "You know what! Hang my normal routine! I don't normally stop off on the way to work for a coffee because I'm perfectly capable of making one for myself, but today I feel different. Adventurous even. I'll just take a walk along the high street...... oh, yes there's that new coffee place opening. I'll go there!". 

So unless they all did that, in which case call Doctor Who now because there's clearly aliens at work, presumably another coffee shop was half empty - its owners scratching their heads wondering where their customers have got to. Was it something we said? Did our bacon and banana muffins not look inviting this morning? Have they all slept in? 

But all the coffee shops we passed looked as full as they ever had been. If not more so. So what gives? It's a mystery.

It's also a mystery just how much coffee Aucklanders can drink. Lots. And then some. Really it's a surprise that anyone ever goes to sleep in this town.  Just like New York but with friendlier inhabitants. I assume, by extrapolations not empirical evidence, that the rest of New Zealand is similarly caffeine infused. It's going to be one hell of a come down when it runs out.

And when it does I'll be fine. I'll be sat sipping my tea and nibbling on a scone wondering what all the fuss was about. An Englishman in New Zealand.