Citizen Graeme

A few years ago, borrowing a phrase from the Marx Brothers, I wrote that I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member. 

I lied. 

“What?” I hear you shout. Yes I can only imagine your surprise. But I did, sorry. In actual fact, if I’m being truly honest, I’d just about join any club that would have me. I’m not picky. Obviously there are limits. Political allegiances have to be chosen carefully, as do any that require an ongoing membership payment. I’m still smarting from the huge amounts of cash I forked out for the Britannia Music Club. Actually might still be paying for those six original cassettes I was sent. 

So naturally, when the opportunity arose to become a citizen of New Zealand, I jumped at the chance. You see, although I was already a permanent resident, I was frustrated with the limitation that I couldn’t represent New Zealand in an international sporting event. I am convinced that if it wasn’t for a few recurring injury niggles, I could easily become one of their key athletes. Maybe in athletics or football.  Yes, once I was a citizen I’d show Mr Jarvis my school PE teacher and part-time torturer just what I was capable of. 

If that wasn’t enough, Citizenship comes with a rather tasty black and silver embossed passport. Very cool.

There were no downsides as far as I could see. There was only the matter of filling out the application form, having some photos taken and handing over £750. And it could all be done online from the safety and comfort of an armchair. We’ll mostly.

Right then, the application form. This was a worry. What if I had to explain the rules of rugby or write down my favourite lamb recipe? That would be tricky. I have been to one rugby game in Aotearoa but didn’t really enjoy it - not helped by the fact that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. And lamb? Hate the stuff. 

Lying on an official form was undoubtedly guaranteed to get your application thrown out. If either of those two questions came up, I’d just have to do the only honest thing and consult Wikipedia.

As it turned out, the form was fairly straightforward, as most official things in New Zealand are. The hardest part was getting the web site’s facial recognition software to recognise me. It took several attempts in various different lighting locations to get it to work. Goodness knows what neighbours thought as I paraded up and down the street. I had decided that I needed to be smart for the photo so was wearing a shirt and jacket….. as well as pyjama bottoms.

Eventually it worked, and the application and supporting information was uploaded. Now I just had to wait. Months passed and my application didn’t appear to have moved anywhere in the virtual queue. At this rate, my application wouldn’t be assessed for at least six months, mostly because of the sudden increase in applications since the pandemic. I was in no rush, there were many more people in much more precarious situations I’m sure. And besides I was between athletic seasons. 

After a few months I’d stopped looking and eventually it slipped from my mind altogether. it would be assessed when it was assessed. It was a huge surprise, a few weeks later, to find an email in my inbox confirming acceptance of my application. That was it then. I was a New Zealand citizen!

If I’m being honest, it was a bit of an anticlimax. The email explained that because of restrictions that were in place because of the pandemic, there wouldn’t be the usual ceremony, and my certificate would arrive in a few days in the post. Arrive it did, but even this was a little….well…amateurish. It looked more like a photocopy than the important document that is was. Ahh well, it was only a bit of paper. I was a citizen and that was the important thing.

The final step was to apply for a New Zealand passport. Thankfully this was to be a quick process and only held up by the fact that I would be out of the country when it was processed. Because there was a risk that I wouldn’t be allowed back in whilst my passport was being printed, I had to wait until I was back from my travels before applying. Wouldn’t that be ironic - a citizen and can’t get back into the country because of an admin SNAFU.

Anyway, that’s all there was to it. Do I feel any different? I guess I do. A little anyway. I do have two passports now so it feels a little James Bond. It is an honour to be able to call myself a New Zealander and it’s something that I will treasure. As for the athletics career? Well it’s just typical that I’ve had an ankle injury since I became a Kiwi so I have ruled myself out for selection. No dramas, there’s always next year….

As Tasty AF

Although it's hard to recall now with any great certainty, but I think in general I drink more alcohol here in New Zealand that I used to when I was in the UK. Not necessarily in volume, but probably more regularly. It's not that I've been keeping a record or anything, but alcohol is served at many more occasions than it ever was back in Blighty. And so by extension, I must be drinking more often. Or maybe I'm just being precious and, as usual, thinking too much.

I was really surprised, when not long after I started work, there was a late afternoon client meeting in the office and, as well as the usual snacks and finger food, bottles of wine started to appear. And not just one or two but several and of different varieties. Maybe this is common place in some other industries, but in my experience not in engineering, and certainly not during the working day.

And then there is office drinks. In the company I work for, every second Friday the beer and wine fridge is opened at 5pm - yes there is a beer and wine fridge in the office kitchen area - and staff can come down and enjoy some beer, wine and food with the rest of the team. This practice is fairly commonplace in New Zealand and generally it's a lovely thing to do but there have been stories when things have gone a little too far. For example, after one such event several years ago, an employee decided to drive home after drinking more than their fair share and crashed their vehicle into a tree. No problem they thought, I'll just leave it here and come back in the morning and get it. Unfortunately for them, they were so unaware of their surroundings, that they didn't realise that they had barely driven 100m from the office and the tree they had crashed into was actually on the grounds of the adjacent primary school. Oh, and it if that wasn't enough, the car a company parking pass attached to the windscreen. This was not, I hasten to add, at our company but that of a competitor. 

In December 2014 the drink driving laws in New Zealand were tightened up - this resulted in numerous awareness campaigns being broadcast and in some cases, bars displaying posters advising how many beers you could have per hour and remain within the legal limit. I'm sure they thought this was being responsible but I have my doubts about their effectiveness. 

That's not to say that there wasn't an alcohol influence in the UK. I remember many occasions early in my career when we would go to the pub on a Friday lunchtime and wander....actually make that stagger....back in to the office sometime around 3pm. But that was back in the good old days in the early 90s when it didn't really matter. Or did it? Nah, who cares if some of the designs prepared were fuelled by lunchtime drinking...actually thinking about it, that might explain some of the horrendous road junction designs that have been built. The general UK population was in no danger from me anyway - I tended to doze through the rest of Friday afternoons and so did very little work. What can I say, I was young and very easily led and you absolutely didn't leave the pub until the boss did!

On the whole though, New Zealand doesn't seem to have a binge drinking issue, random issues on a Friday evening aside, it's just that it's more readily available. And hence why I think I imbibe on a more frequent basis. I'm not saying that I have an issue or anything, but it is something of which I have become increasingly more aware. One part of me thinks so what, it's not like I'm putting beer on my cereals or anything - although I did try that once as a hangover cure after a particular heavy New Year's Eve in Edinburgh - but there is a small niggle at the back of my mind that makes me wonder.....

If the prevalence of alcohol wasn't enough, New Zealand's beer is much stronger than average. Take our local bar as an example, the weakest beer they have on tap is Guinness at 4.2% and it's about as Irish as me - it's brewed just down the road at the Lion Brewery. Most of the other beers served at our local start at around 5% and increase in strength to a syrupy 9%. And most are very deceptive and certainly don't taste as strong as they are. This might be due to the fact that New Zealand beer is typically served at throat numbingly cold temperatures - even the glasses are kept in the fridge to make sure it arrives at your table as cold as it was when it left the tap. It's just the way we like it, or at least that's what I've been told. But make no mistake, mistake a heady brew for a session beer and you'll soon be wondering why your legs won't carry you in the direction you want to go....when you eventually get up from the table that is. 

There is one blessing, a safety net if you like, and this is that it is illegal for any pub licensee to serve to inebriated people, and that extends to the entire group. So, if one person in the group drinks past their limit, the whole group won't get served. Further at large events, such as sporting events and concerts, there is another level of control - the volume that can be served to an individual is managed on an hour by hour basis. How does that work? Well initially they may be no limits, or the limits are very generous - say four drinks per person. But if there is a hint that some in the crowd might be getting too tipsy, then the grip is tightened and the tap is turned off a little - so the limit might become one drink per person. And so the flow of alcohol fluctuates as the evening progresses. This did lead to an odd situation when we attended a concert at a local vineyard only to find that the distribution of wine to the crowd had been turned off. Imagine a vineyard not being able to sell it's own wine to the punters. They were lucky there wasn't a riot!

So why am I telling you all this? Well because I was conscious that I may be drinking more than I should, I've been experimenting with Alcohol Free (AF) beer, and I have to say that it's been an eye opener. I wasn't expecting much - my experience with AF beer from the past has been less that satisfactory. In fact water was more palatable than the AF beers I have tried in the past. There was more beer flavour in the beer bottle sweets we used to each as kids. But surely, things have moved on I thought? I found a company in New Zealand that specialised is such things and ordered a box of 30 different types of AF beers and, as this was one of my projects, naturally I had to create a spreadsheet to track the beers that I was trying and score them.

I am pleased to report that all 30 beers were a vast improvement on AF beers from the past - they all had flavour and actually tasted like beer. Some were even better, had a lovely bitterness and I swear that on a blind tasting it would be hard to discern the difference between an AF version and a normal beer. 

Since I started this experiment, I have also noticed that supermarkets usually have a shelf or two dedicated to AF products and it has even appeared in some bars on tap.  In fact the tap beers are so good that I have had to check that I have been given the correct one.  Don't worry, I haven't gone all puritanical and given up on regular beer, but it is nice to have the option from time to time.

So without further ado, here are my top five AF beers. Yes and they are all as tasty AF!

Brewery	Name	Comments
Good George	VR NonAlc Hazy IPA	Wow - had to ask the server to make sure it was the AF version. Got it on draft from Good George bar
De Haalve Man	Bruges Sport Zot	Smells like a Belgian beer, tastes like a Belgian beer so must be a Belgian beer. Remarkable that this is AF
Drop Bear Beer	Tropical IPA	Wonderful! Tastes just like the real thing. Nice and crisp taste with good hoppyness.
UNLTD	IPA	Lovely sharp bitter taste - crisp on the tongue. Very refreshing.  Fruity with a long, hoppy finish. Delicious.
Weihenstephaner	Hefe weissbier	When the Germans get in on the act you know it must be a good thing.

Tasty AF? You bet!

Anywhere but here

Okay so it’s about time I just face facts and admit it…..Easter in New Zealand sucks.

I know I will have mentioned this before, but to recap, it just doesn’t work. In the northern hemisphere Easter is a spring celebration, enjoying the rebirth of nature, flowers blooming and days getting longer. Here it is the exact opposite; nights drawing in, arrival of autumn and summer plants receding. The only saving grace is that it isn’t cold. Not yet. At least not up in Auckland anyhow. But why celebrate darkness and the coming of winter? 

I can get on board with a summer Christmas - it’s odd enough to be enjoyable. And besides, the sun helps get over the fact that it’s nearly thirty degrees out and people are dressed in Santa costumes. Heck, I even don’t mind Halloween being in spring even if it does kind of take the edge of the spook-fest by being sunny and bright. Nah Easter sucks.

But it’s not just being in the wrong season that makes it a tough sell with me. It’s everything else.

Our first Easter in New Zealand didn’t go as planned. We decided to take advantage of the long weekend and flew down to Christchurch. Maybe we could’ve chosen another destination but I don’t think it would have made much difference. The simple matter is that we just weren’t prepared. How we were supposed to know that everything shuts on Good Friday and Easter Sunday? Want a beer or wine to celebrate the long weekend? Well you can have one glass of wine or beer with a meal but that’s it. If you fancy going on a bit of a bender, then buckle up. Or rather don’t buckle up, because you’re going to need to have the stomach for it. Just think about it. For every drink you have to buy a full priced meal. And it’s firmly enforced for fear of severe penalties for any establishment caught flouting the law. We know from experience - trying to convince a sceptical bar tender that you always only eat crisps for your evening meal isn’t going to work.

The final straw that first year was hiking miles across town to a bar that we thought might be far enough away to allow us to buy a beer without the need for a three course meal. It was so far out of town it was literally the wrong side of the tracks. Nope. Nothing doing so we admitted defeat and headed back to the hotel. We had a very dry and uneventful weekend in Christchurch I can tell you, to the point where it prejudiced our view of the city for years to come. 

If the lack of beverage options wasn’t enough, then tendency for one of us to get ill during the four day break puts the tin hat on it.

Last year it was Covid which struck us down on the Saturday of the Easter weekend. This year it was the turn of another less famous but equally effective virus. We both felt like we’ve been hit by a truck. The only silver lining is that as everything was shut, there was nothing worth being well enough for anyway. Oh and we had to cancel our plans to go camping. So not all bad. My goodness, the thought of being unwell under canvas….reminds me of one year in Coniston where I spent the night sleeping in a ditch because it was closer to the toilet block. Urrgghh!

Some say illness is brought on by the change in the seasons but I’m not sure that’s it. Some say that because it’s the first break since Christmas, as soon as your body senses a slowing of pace it shuts down for some rest as well. Maybe that’s it.

So what are the options then? Don’t take a break and work the whole way through? That’s unthinkable. Maybe we should’ve learnt our lesson from the first year and not travelled? Nah sod that. The only option for next year is to be anywhere but here…..

Bye baby, baby, bye, bye

If there is a true art form in New Zealand, it’s dentistry. Wait……give me a chance. Come back. But it’s true, somehow dentistry in Aotearoa is head and shoulders above all of the other medical practices. (See what I did there.) Except maybe physiotherapy. But then I would say that - I’ve had more bad muscles than I have bad teeth. Actually that probably says more about my choice of leisure activity than it does about the standard of my oral hygiene.

Anyway I digress. Where was I? Ah yes, Dentistry in New Zealand. Right. So as I was saying, dental care in New Zealand is really something. When we first arrived here, I thought I’d just not bother with it. A couple of years without seeing a dentist regularly shouldn’t be a problem. I have, after all, had a relatively trouble free set of gnashers. Sure I’ve had the odd filling here and there, and the occasional extraction, but overall nothing to write home about.

But as our stay became extended, eventually I gave in and so booked an appointment at our nearest practice. Boy was I in for a shock! What I was used to was an appointment lasting maybe ten minutes. Fifteen on the outside….. Not an hour and a half. Yes you read that correctly. Ninety-sodding-minutes. What I hadn’t factored into the equation was that it was actually two appointments in one. First with the hygienist, where the teeth are given a bit of TLC, and then a check up by the dentist. It’s a long process that's for sure. 

I suppose it does make sense. Why waste the dentist’s time on scraping and polishing when they should be looking for faults. It doesn’t take a mechanic to wash your car after all.  And all that attention doesn’t come cheap - at least on the occasion of my first visit, the dentist didn’t take a sharp intake of breath and say “Oohh, that’s going to cost you mate!”. Or if he did I didn’t hear it - I was too busy worrying about getting out of there before nightfall and wondering if I should have brought pyjamas.

That was many years ago now so I’ve gotten used to the process. Allow plenty of time, wear comfortable clothing and maybe get a loan pre-approved. Thankfully my healthy gob trend has continued in New Zealand. Or last it had until last week when I lost a tooth. Well not exactly lost. Let me explain. You see it all started late last year…..

Oddly, I’ve had a constant companion in the mouth department - a baby tooth that didn’t want to leave the nest so to speak. It’s been there through my school days, college and university, and was there when I started my first job. Obviously I care for my teeth so well that it just didn’t want to go. But as it approached its fiftieth year, things started to go a bit wobbly. You could say a bit doddery. So it’s fair to say that in the last couple of years it's been more of a hindrance than an asset.

In fact it was getting so loose I started to think about alternatives - something to fill the gap should I lose my faithful companion. An implant seemed to be the best option until I found out that I would need a bone graft for it to work. And the most suitable building material for that graft? Swiss cow bone. Yes the bones of a bovine. I wasn't sure at first if it was a wind up or just a rouse to pump up the price. After all nothing from Switzerland comes cheap. Whatever the reason, it was off-putting. And what if there we’re side effects? Doesn’t bear thinking about.

So I was resolved. I decided to be undecided. I  and my little trooper would soldier on…..

At least that was the plan. Unfortunately a bowl of muesli had other ideas. Last week I was tucking into my morning my cereal and…ouch! It was one bite too far for the little fella. After an emergency trip to the dentist I was a few grams lighter and several hundred dollars worse off.

That gap in my life is nothing to the gap in my mouth. It feels huge! Like the Grand Canyon of the mouth world. A deep as it is wide. Even now I can imagine that there is a dare devil blob of bacteria planning an audacious stunt to jump across the chasm…. I need to get out more. Sometime I forget and get a shock when I notice the absence. I suppose it'll save a bit on teeth cleaning.

People tell me it isn’t bad, it’s hardly noticeable at all really. As long as I don’t smile or talk. Hhmmm, maybe cow bone isn’t too bad after all......