On the UP

For those who have missed the headlines of the world's newspapers, and shame on you if you did, Auckland now has a plan. I know, good isn't it. And it's not just any ordinary plan. No, this one is a Unitary Plan. No longer will we have a Proposed Auckland Unitary Plan, or PAUP for short.

So what is it? Well from now on, Auckland has a plan that will guide the growth of the city. It will dictate where tall buildings go, like in the city centre, and help planners decide where larger homes - those with gardens and the like - are best placed. Like on the outskirts for example. Obvious really. What is surprising is that it has taken over two years to decide this. Two years? Really? Have these planners never played Sim City? It has certainly kept Auckland's planners and lawyers busy for two years, and far be it for me to suggest that this was the reason it has taken so long......

When I arrived into Auckland, those short two years ago, the office was awash with talks of the PAUP. Being new to both the office and the country I didn't want to show my ignorance by asking what, or who, it was. For a short while I thought the head of the Catholic Church had recently become interested in planning matters in New Zealand's largest city. 

"Oh, the Pope will help clear that up," said one planner colleague to another at the coffee machine

"I wish they would hurry up and release the Pope," said another.

"Where's Sandra?', asked another

"Oh, she's working in town in the Pope"

Eventually I had to ask and the whole matter was cleared up - and I'm glad that I did because I was very close to making an absolute pratt of myself. And in danger of offending a religious order.

Matters of religion aside, Auckland really does need a better plan then the one it had. Which was nothing. So on that basis the PAUP, or I suppose the AUP as it should now be called, it's a vast improvement. It does seem to be the very epitome of lack of foresight to build the country's most populous city on the narrowest neck of land. And it really is quite narrow. At its narrowest point Auckland, and by extension New Zealand, is little more than 2km wide, which not only presents a transportation nightmare but also makes a mockery of the country's coast-to-coast walking challenge as most people would complete the trip on the way to the shops. 

Against that backdrop, it's crazy that Aucklanders still yearn for the Kiwi ideal. Ask the average Kiwi what is their dream home and they will tell you that they want their own place, surrounded by greenery with perhaps a few chooks and sheep to complete the rural idyll. To you and I this is actually called a farm, but to a Kiwi it's a 'lifestyle block'. Presumably they would complete the picture by getting up at the crack of dawn, working until it's time to get up again and complaining about how nobody understands how hard their life is. Tscchhh, these city folk!

So the very idea of wanting a lifestyle block in the middle of the urban metropolis should seem a little....well ridiculous. Well no. And whilst there are no farms in the centre of Auckland, there are plenty of properties with significant land within shouting distance of the CBD. That's not to say that there aren't any office blocks and tall buildings in the CBD, of course there are. But I do wonder how they got there. Maybe an avaricious neighbour decided to sub-divide their property and sell some of it off to a developer? I can imagine the conversations they would have with the adjoining property as the tower cranes moved in;

"Wow, that's a big crane. You having some work done?"

"Err, yes. We're building a granny flat for mother-in-law"

"And you need a crane that tall? How big is the flat going to be?"

"Errr, no. It's going to be a bungalow....."

"So what's with the crane...Hey, you've not sold your land to one of those city developer types have you?"

"......err, no. Of course not."

"So what about that crane?"

".......errrr.....well......its......errrr......oh, it's for the shopping innit! She's going to need some help getting the shopping out of her car"

"Of course! What a great idea..... Can we borrow it?"

Property size is one thing. And that is contentious enough. You would think that, having announced the plan, that everyone would be relieved that the city would have some direction. But no. There are those that are concerned that their property will be caught up in the wave of urbanisation. And in some cases they will, but that unfortunately is the price of progress. And there are others that think they are going to be evicted whilst a multi-level dwelling is built on their land. It would take a particularly nasty planner to forcibly evict a family from their home whilst a larger capacity dwelling is constructed. Quite easy in Sim City but no so much in the real world.

And then there are the transport issues. This is where the plan has been quite clever, ground breaking even. The larger areas of population growth have been identified as those nearest transport corridors; motorways, rail lines and the like. This has mostly been greeted with appreciation of the city planners' foresight buy some didn't like the idea. Why? Well they complained that their motorway connection into the city would get even busier because of the extra people using it. When it was suggested that they could get the train they responded with a look that suggested they'd been spat at.

And there, in that vignette of interaction, is the problem. You see, Aucklanders are hooked on their cars. I know of plenty of work colleagues who would jump in their car to drive less than 1km to the shop, those who would park up 100m from the office to grab a coffee before continuing their journey, and those who shiver at the very idea of travelling with other people. You think I'm making this up? Our main client's office is in the CBD which is a short train journey away, fifteen minutes at the most door-to-door. It's not unusual for people to drive to these meetings, spend half an hour trying to find a parking spot and then complain on their return about being late and how there is never enough parking in town. Do they modify their behaviour? Of course not.

Removing parking to ease congestion and improve public transport is a contentious issue. Transport planners know that it makes sense but equally they want to see some improvments, rather that see their project get bogged down in months and months of debate, after which the removal of parking will be quashed and they and the city will be no further forward.

Auckland is trying. New train links, improved bus services and simpler fares are on their way. Ferries help shuttle people into the city from neighbouring suburbs and cycle lanes are popping up everywhere. Some of this might rub off. It's going to take a huge shift in travel behaviours and a realisation that not everyone who chooses to travel on public transport is unwashed and down on their luck. Well, there was that one time when I got a bus back from a half marathon where I was, ahem, less than clean. And a little fragrant. But otherwise public transport is quick, cheap and environmentally advantageous. Letting the train take the strain.

I'm sure Auckland will get there. It has to. Either the temptation of quick and cheap travel will pull Aucklanders out of their cars, or being stuck in traffic from hours on end, day-in day-out, will eventually push them onto public transport. And once they do, just think what can be achieved with the spare time they suddenly have! Well for a start, those chooks won't feed themselves.......

Two Years.... is a Long Time in Politics

Two years. Two. Years. It's hard to believe but we have been living and working in New Zealand for two years. It seems like only yesterday that we were stood in the supermarket wondering if $5.60 was good value for two pints of milk and if Tasty Cheese really was tasty......

It can't be two years. Can it? Well they say a week is a long time in politics so let's see how two in NZ  stacks up against the same time in politics.

Well it all kicked off with the Scottish Referendum. Whilst the campaigning was well underway before we left, the vote took place just a few short months after we arrived. Some work colleagues were astounded that we weren't able to vote on the future of our country. That's was, at least, until I explained that I wasn't actually from Scotland but England. "But you do sound Scottish," was the reply I often heard. Well I suppose I used to think that Aussies and Kiwis sounded the same so fair dinkum. Anyway, the Scottish voted to stay in the UK and a mightily relieved Prime Minister showed his appreciation by asserting his Englishness, trumpeting "English votes for English people!" or something like that. During all this, the Labour Party in Scotland was fatally wounded, partly because it had sided with a Tory government over the referendum and partly because it was a little bit rubbish. Let that be a lesson. Then again.....

Next came the General Election, the outcome of which appeared to hinge on whether the leader of the opposition could eat a bacon sandwich properly. He couldn't. But then again no one can. In fact I challenge anyone to eat any fried food filled sandwich, knowing that cameras are recording every bite, without getting at least one colour sauce down your shirt. But the die was cast and a Tory government returned to Parliament, helped in no part by the aforementioned Labour collapse in Scotland, the rise of the buoyant SNP, and the purple peril of UKIP enticing would-be Labour and Conservative voters to their cause. Which is to have the UK removed from the EU. But no one is buying that are they?.......

In the aftermath of the General Election, the leader of the Labour Party resigned and the search began for his replacement. There were many candidates in line for the role and, except for gender, all pretty much alike. Except one. Jeremy Corbyn, in a last minute rush, managed to secure enough nominations to get his name on the ballot paper. JC was a bit of an anachronism, a socialist MP in the Labour Party so presumably those who'd given him their nominations did so as a bit of a joke and to get rid of the loony left once and for all? Typically of the left wing, JC spoilt the mood at the party by gathering hundreds of thousands at rallies accross the UK and going on to win the leadership election by a huge margin. The biggest since the war. Although exactly which war was never really defined - it's so hard to tell these days since we go to war an awful lot. Maybe it's to get away from the British weather?

Take Syria for example. Syria was tearing itself apart, the causes of which are far too involved to go into in this simple blog, but something needed to be done. Or needed to be seen to be some perhaps? And what better way is there to bring about stability in a country than to drop bombs on its people. Yes, that'll do the trick. And so, after a televised debate in Parliament, the country voted once again to go to war, Hilary Benn was applauded for making a stirring speech (the main purpose of which appears to have been to remind us that he's nothing like his father and cement his reputation as the next leader in waiting) and everyone patted themselves on the back for a job well done and then sloped off to the subsidised bar for a drink. Allegedly.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand, the Prime Minister John Key decided what everyone wanted was a vote on a new flag. They didn't. But when in politics does what people want actually stop a politician from doing what they wanted to do anyway? And so, at the cost of millions, new designs were drawn up and the electorate were asked to pick one which they did.....they chose the existing one. Hurrah for democracy. Meanwhile families were sleeping in cars because of the lack of affordable housing..... Who  in their right mind would hold a referendum that no one was asking for and then be shocked when the vote doesn't go the way they were expecting......

Back in the UK the Tory right were taking note of the threat of UKIP, and longed for the days when England were good at cricket, when you could speak your mind without fear of being challenged for your dated views and for a time when the sun never set on the British Empire. To put this prehistoric rabble to bed, and to help ensure a General Election win, a referendum on the UK and the EU was offered by the prospective Prime Minister. What could possibly go wrong?

After a very bitter campaign, where each side accused the other of lying and questioning their parental heritage, the day came when the UK voted on its future. After months of incrimination and accusation, it boiled down to "should the UK remain as part of the EU or leave?". The result is now well known. But I can't help but wonder if the question should've been "Should the UK wreck its economy, devalue the pound, promote racism, remove health and safety protection from its citizens, threaten peace in Europe, enter a deep recession.... or not?" Maybe the outcome would've been totally different?

Apart from signalling to the rest of the world that the UK was a bunch of racist bigots, the referendum resulted in the resignation of the Prime Minister who, quite sensibly, wanted nothing to do with clearing up the mess he'd created. With the PM gone, the spotlight turned on those who led the campaign to leave, looking for guidance in our hour of need. Embarrassed, they looked at their shoes, fidgeted with their shirt cuffs, mumbled something about it not being their idea, made their excuses and left. With stunning efficiency, a new PM was chosen - a Margaret Thatcher MKII - along with a new right wing cabinet and the country was teleported back to the heady days of 1979. 

To reinforce the feeling that we've all been having a bad dream, and the Labour Party never really was in power for over fourteen years under Tony Blair, the Parliamentary Labour Party rejected their leader in a mass resignation. Citing he fact that he unelectable and, perhaps ironically, unable to control his party they demanded he resign. A coup was initiated by Angela Eagle, who was soon joined by a born again socialist Owen 'Who' Smith and the second campaign in twelve months for a Labour Party leader began. The choice, or so we are told, is simple; either keep the current leader, who has the overwhelming support of party members, but will never be elected as PM; or chose another leader who will never be elected a leader but someone who meets the Identikit New Labour Leader specification. To prove his critics right, thousands queued to attend Corbyn's rallies. It would take a huge mis-step on his part to damage the support he has; shouting at a baby on live TV or trying to eat a cooked sandwhich might do it. 

Meanwhile, across the pond, things were going swimmingly. Okay, I lied but I was just trying to make you feel better. After months of shouting, telling huge porkies and threatening to build walls, America took another huge step towards giving the keys to the Whitehouse to an megalomaniac with a IQ less then his shoe size. Not to mention the keys to a huge nuclear arsenal. Should people's worse fears come true, at least the last few moments of the earth as we know it will be entertaining.

Speaking of nuclear arsenals, one of the first acts of the new PM was to hold a debate on the future of Trident. It was a bit off holding the debate so soon, especially as the opposition were busy pointing fingers and blaming each other for the dire situation and letting the Tories run amok. Meanwhile the Tories did exactly that; announcing the return of Grammar Schools and trying to start a new Cold War by pissing off the Chinese and halting the construction of a nuclear bomb, sorry reactor, somewhere in Somerset. Then, just as the Chinese officials started to become indignant at the very suggestion that there was anything untoward or shady with the whole deal, a Chinese company who formed one third of the consortium was accused of espionage. I'm not making this up.

And this is all playing out against a backdrop of Europe being torn apart by random, casual terrorism. Except it's not but that's what certain sections of the media would have you believe. 

Still at least all was calm in the world of sport. I that was until Leicester City were crowned champions  of the Premier League, and as cheers from every neutral football supporter rang out, Manchester United demanded that the season be started arson because they weren't ready and didn't notice it had started.

With all this madness going on, it's no surprise that David Bowie and Prince decide to call it a day.

When we arrived back here after our trip to Europe it was with a certain sigh of relief. Yes, we missed home but being so far from anywhere does has its advantages. Yes, the broadband may be slow, there's little football coverage and you can't get a decent pork pie, but at least we're not worried about a bad tempered idiot having access to nuclear weapons, wondering what public service will get cut next or eyeing up our neighbours with suspicion. And they're Australian!

Yes it's safe to say, a lot has happened whilst we've been down here, and whilst it's not healthy to cut yourself off from the northern hemisphere for too long, sometimes, just sometimes, New Zealand does feel like the safest and most reassuring boring place to be.