That also explains how a predictable jibe about New Zealand came into common being. You know the one. If not, it goes something like “If it’s 2pm in London, what time is it in New Zealand?”. The punch-line is of course “1950” at which point the required response is to roll around on the floor in fits of laughter. But that was then.
If reports from the UK are anything to go by, the circumstances have been somewhat reversed. So here’s a new version for modern times. “If it’s 2021 in New Zealand, what time is it in London?” The response is of course “About twelve months ago!”
For now, it seems, the UK is working on the basis that anything that New Zealand does is worth doing, but only when they get around to it. For some time now, since last May, apart from a little blip in Auckland in August, New Zealand has pretty much returned to normal. Or at least a new-normal. Bars and restaurants are open, concerts and sporting events are being held and, other than the ability to travel abroad, there are no restrictions of movement. This isn’t by accident. Sure, the relative remoteness did help initially but once the pandemic reached these shores it was quick and effective leadership that built the path to get us where we are now.
It’s astonishing in a way, to hear the UK government is considering introducing quarantine hotels soon. Considering? Why consider? Maybe Boris Johnson doesn’t want to be seen to be taking advice from a small island nation in the Pacific? And soon? Why not tomorrow?
But even this plan is typical of Boris Johnson’s government and is half-arsed. Firstly the compulsory period would only be 10 days - not much use against a virus that can have a 14 day incubation time. And you’ll be allowed to use public transport to get to the quarantine location. I mean WTAF?
Admittedly, New Zealand didn’t get it right straight away. There were some teething problems with the system but it all seems to be working now. I say seems, because if the robustness of a system is evidenced by results then I’ll raise a glass to the New Zealand government and say thank you! Which of course I can do because, as I mentioned before, our bars are open! Just sayin’.
To help the UK sort out it’s quarantine system, I’ve written a handy guide below and I’d appreciate it if someone could pass it on to Boris Johnson the next time they see him.
Hello Mr Johnson. We in New Zealand hear you are having a bit of trouble managing the Covid-19 virus? I know you won’t like to hear this, but you are really making a dogs breakfast of the whole thing. But don’t worry, we’re happy to give you some pointers. Actually we are a little surprised that you haven’t asked us before now. I guess better late then never, even if it is 12 months too late.
Firstly, our borders are closed to everyone. Shut, firmé or if you prefer Geschlossen, to everyone except New Zealand citizens and permanent residents. No red flag countries or air-bridges thing-a-ma-jigs. Unless you have the right to live here, you can’t come in. Exceptions are granted, such as for essential workers for our industries or if you happen to be involved in a huge Hollywood movie, but these are rare. Honestly, for someone who kept banging on about getting back control of your borders, we’re a bit confused as to why you haven’t.
Everyone who arrives, no matter who you are, be you a movie director or an ordinary Joe, has to stay in a government ran quarantine facility, or MIQ, for at least 14 days and submit to at least two COVID tests. In fact, before even getting on a plane, you have to be booked into a quarantine facility. But don’t hold your breath, these are full and there’s a two month waiting list to get into New Zealand.
If you do manage to get a flight, and book a place in MIQ, when you land in New Zealand you are escorted to a chartered bus that will take you to the quarantine facility. What’s that? Err, no, you don’t get a choice.
The facilities are mostly in the main cities but all are fenced off and guarded by the army. Yes the army. Not some private security firm ran by a mate of yours, who would undoubtedly be tempted to cut corners to save money. Once your inside the facility you’re there for at least 14 days. It’s a bit unfair to call these facilities when they’re actually very decent hotels. So sit tight, relax and enjoy the break and you’ll soon be out and about. It’s worth it, honestly, just don’t expect to lose any weight - apparently the food is really good. Providing you don’t test positive, you’ll be out in no time. What if you test positive? Well in that unfortunate situation you would be transferred to a high security facility.
So that’s how you run a successful quarantine system. Don’t skimp on the measures and understand that you’re in this for the long haul.
So you see, New Zealand has done all the planning for you and you can read more about on our website here. You’re welcome. No doubt that has saved you some time so how about you do something useful? What do you mean what? Well let us tell you about Track and Trace.....
